Yeah, you read that right. The cigar blog is telling you that you’re wasting money on cigars. No, I haven’t been hacked.
What I mean really mean is, you’re wasting money on overpriced cigars. And I can tell you exactly which cigars are overpriced.
Sure, this is subjective. Anything with taste is. Our hobby is. Haircuts are. See where I’m going? A lot of things are subjective — what’s expensive to me might not be for you, and vice versa. It’s okay to have opinions, just know that sometimes you’re wrong. (I don’t hate you for that, so long as you’re willing to accept it.)
As you (should probably) know by now, I pride myself on being no bullshit (you have to be tired of that phrase from me already). Sure, I’ve given some favorable reviews to start off, but I’ve gotta get started somewhere, ya know? I’m sure there’s a bad review on its way soon (when I stop procrastinating).
Bardic Inspiration
No, there wasn’t an actual bard that came and inspired this, BUT I am playing one in my current DnD campaign, so like, relevancy, ya know? (Although, if a lyre-wielding fantasy bard came and told me to write a blog at 10:30 at night on a Saturday about how you’re spending your money wrong, I’d be somewhat inclined to listen to him. Do you blame me?)
No, instead, it was the announced release of the $1,150 Trinidad Fundadores 55th Anniversary and the JC Newman 130th Anniversary Diamond Crown Belicoso.
The second one gets a pass (somewhat) — you get 130 cigars and a nice ass humidor included in the price (you can go read the specifics in the links I shared here). It works out to $17 per stick and a free humidor. Or $2,250 for a humidor and 130 cigars for free. Or however you want to justify it to yourself, your wife, and Capital One (no judgement).
What I mean really mean is, you’re wasting money on overpriced cigars. And I can tell you exactly which cigars are overpriced.
Okay, so maybe the JC Newman wasn’t warranted here. But Trinidad absolutely was. It’s no Gurkha Royal Courtesan, but in my eyes, they’re in the same category.
Over a thousand dollars for a cigar? That’s insane. Like, legit, insane. And no, not your stupid Inception quote about doing the same thing over and over again (side note: that quote is stupid and dumb and I hate it and stop using it). You absolutely cannot justify this to me. I’m onto you.
Waste Not, Want Not
Well, with your super expensive cigars, you’re wasting a lot. And wanting not to do that. Let me break this down for you.
Remember earlier when I said I could tell you exactly which cigars are overpriced? You thought I was going to list ’em all, huh? Wrong. Instead, I’ll give you a blanket statement: anything north of $20/stick is usually a waste.
Put down your pitchforks. Or don’t. I don’t care. I’m not wrong, and you’re just mad you’re wasting money.
I know you’re seething mad right now. I’ve successfully rage baited (as the kids these days say). You’re only reading this so you can figure out what point you’re going to make in your rebuttal.
But I’m onto you. I know your game. You can’t fake it anymore.
You only smoke those expensive cigars because they’re a status symbol, not because there’s a big difference between them and their cheap counterparts.
I said it, and you can’t defend against it. There is not enough of a detectable taste difference between your 10-year-old Opus with cellophane reminiscent of 1970s ashtray glass and a solid 8-5-8 or My Father Blue.
You buy and smoke fancy, expensive sticks because cigar culture and society as a whole tell you that you’re only cool if you do so. The same can be said about wine, bourbon, or even cheddar cheese.
You know how I know this is true? Because if I blindfolded you and had you smoke two side by side, you wouldn’t be able to correctly pick them out, probably 7 times out of ten.
Save your crocodile tears — I know what I’ve said here, and I know what I’ve said is correct. You do the same thing with Amazon Basins and whatever the Cigar Aficionado Cigar of the Year is every year. You blindly follow what everyone else does, overspend, and flex to your 300 Instagram followers (I’m not leading the charge in that category, either, but I’m also not pretending I’m some hotshot in Dubai who valet parks his Lambo at the cigar lounge).
And I’m also not trying to shit on the big names here, either. I have a 2019 El Scorpion sitting in my humidor (fun fact: it was supposed to be my Christmas or New Year’s smoke, and, well, it’s still unsmoked). I also didn’t pay retail, nor anywhere near secondary for it.
But this is nothing more than manufactured scarcity, and companies charging whatever they want they can convince people to pay for their “super rare” dried plant leaves wrapped around other plant leaves.
‘You Can’t Just Say All That!’
Well, I did. And unabashedly so.
I took your rebuttals head-on from the get-go: I know taste and price are subjective. Cool story, man. There can still be a baseline value where the quality-to-price ratio inverts.
For example, a Factory Smoke, for the most part — and yes, I know, the QA standards here are lower than most other smokes — is one of the best bangs for your buck (and I long for the days that they were around a dollar a stick). But at some point in time, those two numbers (if we quantify the quality somehow) get closer and closer, and finally, the price becomes far, far greater than any justifiable quality or taste.
There are, of course, better-made cigars, like long filler vs. short, longer aging, rarer tobaccos, etc. I’m taking those factors out when it comes to the pricing, though. That’s not what we’re talking about.
My soft max I’ll buy and smoke is $20, and hard stop is $30. Most of my sticks are sub-$10. And I bet I get the same overall enjoyment from my cheap sticks that you do from your overpriced bullshit.
Think of it this way — if I gave you 8 fives rolled up, wrapped by a ten, and told you it was the best thing anyone ever smoked and everyone online said so, would you smoke it? Obviously not, because paper and chemicals and such, but that’s what y’all do with these overhyped, overpriced $50 sticks.
There’s nothing better you could spend $50 on than one single thing you literally set on fire?
You wouldn’t just take a torch to a $100 bill just for the hell of it, all because people on the internet said it was the cool thing to do. No, you’d say that’s stupid and a waste of money.
“That’s just play money, I can do whatever I want with it!” Sure, yeah, but you could do a lot more with it. And you’re still not tasting anything different than the $15 smokes, Brad, no matter how ‘refined’ your palate is.
This isn’t me ‘pocket watching’ or telling you how to spend your money. It’s just me calling you out on your bullshit. Save yourself the money and stop chasing clout for two more likes.
