Regardless of what it appears like, I’m actually a nice guy.
Are cigar tasting notes real? Sometimes. Most other times, no, they’re not. They’re bullshit, and they serve to inflate the author’s ego, and that’s it.
“What a way to start your first blog,” you might be saying to yourself right now. And you’d be right. I’d say the same thing if some fat, balding dude in his thirties came off as a smug, conceited, know-it-all asshole, too. But I promise it’s not like that.
You see, I’m tired. I’m real, real, tired boss. I’m the tiredest tired that has ever tired. I’m tired of other people blowing smoke.
No, I’m not discouraging people from smoking cigars. In fact, I’d argue that I’m encouraging it.
But there’s a reason I tout this wonderful(ly incomplete) website as a ‘no bullshit,’ refreshing look at the world of cigar reviews… because that’s what it is.
We know you’re lying. At least I do.
I’d consider myself a pretty fairly active member of the online cigar community, and by that, I mean I am probably a top 5% member of that (less than) prestigious club of chronically online cigar smokers. If you’re not, A) what are you doing reading a blog that was heavily promoted only on social media, and B) get good, scrub. Also, if you are, you’ve seen the same style of review:
“On the dry draw, I get notes of mid-tier Nicaraguan soccer clubs. At light, I get whispers of monk fruit hand carved by actual, literal Tibetan monks. Couple this with the first third notes of fresh mahogany imported from a Micronesian colony of Hedonistic teenagers, and you’ve set the scene for the next third: notes of the actual hay that Jesus was born unto many years, preserved until now, awaiting my palate in this Factory Seconds Maduro. Final third was filled with hand-ground espresso beans that were extracted at a prime 198.23°.”
— SOMEONE’S DAD IN YOUR FAVORITE LOCAL FACEBOOK CIGAR GROUP
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Actually, I’ll quote my great friend Cuba Gooding, Jr. in his iconic role in the movie Radio: Chicken shit, chicken shit, chicken shit!
I’m not purposely vulgar here (in case this is used in a future court case job interview), although I am a veteran with the mouth of a sailor, but I do use swear words to provide emphasis when needed (it’s needed here).
I use that emphasis because you’re lying. You’re using those “notes,” that vernacular, those terms, to sound cool, sophisticated, like you know what you’re talking about. But I see through it. So do they.
This isn’t to say there aren’t any nuances in a cigar. That’s why we don’t all smoke Factory Smokes, right? Because there are new flavors, new things to try, new ways of smoking. Cigars do evolve as you smoke them, and there are notes to them. Just not the way you describe them.
So, are cigar tasting notes real? Yes, but no, not really.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve smoked for four days, four years, or four decades. At the end of the day, it’s not that serious, and it’s surely not the way you describe it.
This isn’t just me talking shit, either. I love a good review. I’m literally a cigar reviewer. There is a need for reviews in a niche hobby like this, the same way there is a need in video games, wine, beer, knitting, basket weaving, leather working, construction, nail gun artistry, necklace making, and just about anything else random that I can’t think of off the top of my head.
But it’s time to stop lying to yourself AND us. You’re not getting intense notes of chocolate most of the time. You’re tasting tobacco and tobacco only. On occasion, you might get some spice or pepper, but for > 90% of cigar smokers, anything besides those is a lie (or is it ‘are a lie’? No clue, my subscription to the AP style guide lapsed. You get the sentiment.)
Go on and smoke what you want. Try something new. Go plum wild.
But quit with the performative, obnoxious, and inflated self-indulgent tasting notes. I promise that the cigar isn’t giving notes of Ecuadorian coffee shops at 11:13 a.m. on a Tuesday. It’s giving notes of “I like it” or “I don’t like it.”
You’re awesome